Reasonable Hallucinations

Here I go again:

Over the last year, I've turned into a militant little bastard. I've used this blog in order to vent frustrations against my perception of the closemindedness, religious extremism, blinkered viewpoints of the South African Jewish Community. This anger stemmed primarily from a bad experience that i had within a community organisation - an experience that destroyed many of the neutral perceptions i had about the community. In many ways, i emerged from that with a sense of distrust towards the community. I felt betrayed by the leadership, abandoned by the masses - I felt alone within a community that i had tried so hard to support and to serve.

But after having been out of the fold for some time now, and owing to the fact that i'm feeling pretty chilled out at present and am not really concerned with the community at all, I've realised that i've got a brand new problem.

Was I hallucinating? Does my distrust of the community, of the orthodox establishment and leadership stem from nothing more than my anger towards the individuals that didn't support me and fucked me over? Or is it a real thing - is the community really as close minded as the idiots that were representing it in the time that my anger was forged?

To be honest, I'm not sure that my claims that the community is close minded, insular and elitist have any real basis anymore, at least as in the way that I percieve them. Sure, people say stupid fundamentalist things at time, and the orthodox establishment are quite forceful in encouraging their pathetic missionary agendas. But, if you'll excuse the cliche, a few bad seeds don't make the whole damn apple rotten.

On the other hand though, I think that there are some real morons out there - people with ridiculous power trips governing over communal organisations, people that are obsessed with the status and networking potential that communal leadership positions offer. These fools don't realise how badly they are selling out the community to religious organisations, groups that have plans of pushing the entire community towards strict orthodoxy. I also think there are some real geniuses involved as well - clever people in the pocket of the Religious Imperialism that has gained a stranglehold in the community. Their ultimate aim: to twist the image of the community so that it will fit into their narrow, insular, close minded frame.

But, I know that when i speak like this, I sound apocalyptic. I make it seem that the jewish community is in the grips of a race of demonic beasts from outer space. This can't be true - the evil hordes could not possibly have landed on earth to take control of the jewish community. My tiny community is an insignificant speck of dust in the eyes of these alien monsters, and is not worthy of their destructive attention.

So am i hallucinating? Is the jewish community as close minded as i make it out to be? Is there an evil alien influence taking residence in all the structures of Jewish Communal life?

I don't know.
I don't think so.
But, most importantly, I hope not.
Because that would suck.
Big balls.